A lot of juicy Thanksgiving etiquette questions answered
with help from Kate Berlant
Hello and welcome to Solicited Advice: Holiday Edition! For the next few weeks, I’ll be answering all of your most pressing holiday-related questions, dilemmas and queries.
This week, here to help us navigate this delightful, joyous and often complex season, I’m joined by my friend, actor, podcaster and hilarious comedienne, Kate Berlant. This is our final Thanksgiving episode before we jump into the broader holiday season content, so soak up all of our wisdom before you head into next week's festivities.
If you’re still figuring out your menu this weekend, I’m extremely proud of this year’s lineup, especially if you’re seeking stability and comfort in “the classics” or “soft, beige foods.” A reminder that if you have questions for me that are more menu/recipe-specific, you can pretty much guarantee a response from me on this thread or the comments section of any of the Thanksgiving posts. Full episodes of this year's special here.
On this week's episode of Solicited Advice:
What’s the best/most polite way to tell people to get out of my kitchen while I'm cooking? I love them, but…they gotta go.
I’m pregnant and planning on having a little wine at Thanksgiving because Emily Oster says I can and I like to. My in-laws will definitely judge me for this– do I need to hide it, or…how should I handle?
I’ll be in Australia for Thanksgiving and am determined to cook a full meal for my friends. How do I pull this off without all my usual kitchen gear in someone else's kitchen?
My sister in law doesn’t like me and it’s VERY obvious to me– How do I deal at Thanksgiving? Confront or ignore?
Every year my guests finish dinner too quickly, immediately clear the table and move to the living room– I hate it. How do I encourage everyone to sit and linger at the table to talk, relax and appreciate all my hard work?
I used to be the matriarch of big family Thanksgivings. Now I'm divorced with kids far away and friends with plans. I'm not usually invited places -- how do I give myself this holiday back?
I’m Irish and I love the classic American sweet potatoes with marshmallows but nobody ever eats it. How do I make more people love it?
Listen wherever you get your podcasts (or right here):
Or, if you prefer to watch us chat (and please feel free to weigh in on the Farrow & Ball color samples behind me, though I didn’t end up choosing any of them):
Have a question? Call me!
We have a few more episodes left for this season and we’d love to hear from you. For any burning questions relating to cooking, entertaining, hosting, turkey, ham, families, call 856-502-4816. If you’re voice shy, feel free to write in here. No question too big or small, too personal or specific - I love it all!
Thank you and see you next week!
Dear Christina(Kristina?) from Seattle, WA
First of all, you are wonderful; probably the hero of this episode. Congratulations on having a new life in front of you!
I wanted to reach out and give you my unsolicited advice, as someone who has been in a similar situation.
Travel abroad!!!
If you can get out of the country during thanksgiving and make it a time that is just for you, it’s fantastic!
I moved to France 13 years ago, and Thanksgiving was such a strange time for me in the beginning. I originally hosted it with my French friends the first year, as time went on I met other expats and I would celebrate with them, then we all went our separate ways and I’ve found my new way of doing it. What I can tell you though, is that every year we have at least one friend of a friend that is invited to Thanksgiving because they’re in town; and it’s always fabulous to have them.
I don’t know if you have friends living abroad that you can ask to visit during that period; but if not, find the expat places! They’re everywhere and it’s really easy to meet fantastic people, you might even get invited to someone’s home for thanksgiving! As a long time expat, if I know someone as sweet as you is alone on thanksgiving, they would get an invite to my table.
There is also soooo much beauty in being in Prague, or Florence, or Paris (even London), and having a stunning, solo dinner in a country that has no idea of what that day means, just to feel grateful for yourself and your accomplishments. Because you deserve that, we all do!
Sending you so much love and light this holiday season!
Re: the poor woman who called in with the mean sisterinlaw. I have three girls, now women, and at one point or another in 5th or 6th grade, someone was on the outs with the group...how to regain entry or just civility? Fight fire with fire! The only thing that will work is if this lovely woman (the wife) goes into Thanksgiving pretending (that is the key) that nothing is amiss nothing strange. WIFE ( I am sorry I forgot your name!) has to ignore sisterinlaw and act totally fine. She can say hello, but don't sit near her but make it unintentional, there is someone else you want to talk to. Have conversations (lively ones!) with others and avoid her but so that it is not obvious. If she speaks to you give a nice confident hello but then be rushing to the bathroom or to go get a drink. Don't give a care, act confident and happy and she will hate that. Act like you don't need her, like nothing is going on between you and basically don't engage. If she comes into a conversation with the group you are in, politely excuse yourself (lots of trips to the bathroom) but in a friendly way. It works every single time! Don't give her the satisfaction of seeing you grovel, hurt, or even acknowledging her animosity. If your husband speaks to her, she will just deny acting like this, it won't do anything. If you don't give them the attention, whatever is happening, is not happening! Good luck!!